R.I.P. My Little Mate Pip

Martin Luther; Founder of the Protestant church, was once asked by a child whether her dog would be allowed in Heaven. He gently patted the dog’s head and said, “Be comforted, little dog, thou too in the Resurrection shalt have a tail of gold.”

Pip was my little mate.

Animals teach us many things, and for our children today, Pip has given his final lesson – how to mourn.

Pip reached the ripe old age of 18. In doggy years that’s good going. Pip’s story begins with us in the year 2000.

We’d just returned from a family holiday in Devon and our walks round the village had been accompanied by a farm dog, a Jack Russell named by us for the week rather unimaginatively ‘Jack’.

Jack followed us on our walks as we explored the lanes and fields surrounding our holiday house. He picked us up and dropped us off, he probably did this with every family staying in the house.

But it was enough to convince me that I wanted a dog like Jack, so on our return we found the local animal shelter and arranged a visit – just to look.

We first met Pip (who was known as JR at the time) whilst visiting an RSPCA shelter at Thorley Farm, Hedingham Rd, Braintree, Wethersfield, Essex CM7 4EQ sometime in the Autumn of 2000. http://www.rspcaessex.org.uk/adoptadog.html

As we walked around seemingly row upon row of Lurchers, there was a little Jack Russell. He was small and had what the lady at the counter later described to us as ‘Queen Anne’ front legs.

We walked back to the office and as there was no information on his kennel we anticipated that he’d already been adopted, but we asked on the off chance.

The reply was positive, he’d only just arrived and they hadn’t yet had time to put his details on the kennel. I looked at my wife, she looked at me and we nodded. We would like to adopt him.

The irony being at the time my wife and I didn’t have children and had been told that the likelihood was that we couldn’t. To all intents and purposes, Pip was ‘our’ baby.

The adoption process was actually quite detailed. It involved a home visit and the securing of our garden boundaries. At the time we had a 120 odd feet long garden bordered on one side by a beech hedge. According to the home visit, this wasn’t Jack Russell proof, so we couldn’t adopt until this hedge had been secured and a further home visit conducted to check.

Whilst this was going on, we visited Pip at the shelter and took him out for walks. Pip was a stocky Jack Russell and like all Jack Russell’s believed he was much bigger than what he actually was. He pulled and dragged us round the walks, he had spirit and bravado!

My little mate Pip was born at best guess sometime in February 1997. From his inoculation certificates we nominally gave him a birthday of 14th February. And once the human kids eventually arrived, this birthday was set in stone and celebrated.

So in the autumn of 2000 we finally took Pip home and he has been part of our family since.

In the January of 2001 I was seriously assaulted at work and it was Pip who ‘encouraged’ me to start walking again. I injured my lower back, spine, hip and pelvis. For a long time I couldn’t walk.

Pip realised that to get me to a point of being able to take him on a walk, I needed training.

He decided the best way was to climb the stairs up to the 4th or 5th level, so I didn’t need to bend down to get his collar on.

I then began taking him on walks to the end of the rd and back, gradually building to the level that I lost the sticks and was able to walk nearly as far as I did pre-injury – albeit at a slower pace.

Of course once he’d got me walking again that didn’t matter. He’d be off exploring and getting the walk he needed, whilst I was getting the walk I needed to get me on the road to recovery.

As our family grew, Pip accepted each new pack member and ensured the areas that these new small pack members frequented was kept clean of any food waste.

Pip realised pretty quickly that child equals food and so as far as he was concerned the relationship was good. This of course led as time passed to having additional people willing to take him for a walk. An ultimate win – win!

As Pip grew older, his brown and black badger striped face went grey, to the point that you could barely make it out. His flatulence grew to new levels (who am I going to blame now?) and his teeth started falling out, but he was still the feisty little dog he always was.

His favourite place was the top of the sofa in the front room. A vantage point that gave him views of the street – for potential intruders, as well as an unobstructed view along the hallway to the kitchen – “I heard a food wrapper, it’s for me isn’t it?”

As he grew older, he also liked his bed by the wood burning stove in the back room. Giving him warmth and a vantage point to watch over the back garden for squirrels or cats.

Life for us is going to be different without Pip. He’s been with us for so long and through so many experiences, that there is going to be a Pip sized hole left in our lives.

I miss and love you my little mate. Today I have cried like I can’t remember. See you on the other side.



Posted by Tim Love - February 25, 2015 at 4:04 pm

Categories: Uncategorized   Tags:

Negative SEO Blueprint – Webmaster Alert!

Negative SEO Blueprint – Webmaster Alert!

Negative SEO is a bit of a difficult thing to explain, this article on negative SEO tactics (found on the ‘evergreen’ Wikipedia) may well be useful for reference – it’s covered in the section on online Reputation Management.

A much bigger negative SEO image is lower down, so there’s no need to squint at the one on the left! Just carry on reading this negative SEO article and you’ll get to it in no time!

I don’t know whether you’re as ‘anal’ about SEO and online marketing as me, so please bear with me as I explain how I discovered this Negative SEO Blueprint. From an educational point of view, understanding how negative SEO techniques work, can open a ‘can of worms’ online marketing wise. 

Don’t go there. Negative SEO is (as my children would say) a ‘naughty bad’ thing to do, understanding how it’s done or how best to react to it however is educational. Forewarned is forearmed and all that!

This negative SEO method was discovered mainly by putting two and two together, (isn’t most good SEO discovered through research and testing?) whilst connecting a blog post from March 2014 that I’d read, to a discovery in my ‘SEO methods’ research in the last few days.

I’ve struggled with whether it was the right thing to do or not – to write a post about negative SEO. The company that’s being targeted is pretty well known and the company that looks after their online SEO is decent.

The company doing the SEO have a good blog and it’s always worth a read. It was via one of these full and frank online marketing blog posts, that I first became aware of a ‘big’ UK site being the target of a negative SEO campaign. A negative SEO campaign using pretty nasty keywords as anchor text.

The blog post offered proof of negative SEO. Served as an educational piece, not in a how to do negative SEO type way, but showing stats, whilst not revealing the details of the client.

It’s also a fact that Negative SEO in it’s most basic state can be pleasant, funny and mischievous. Yes sometimes negative SEO can be used to give a message – when used to Google Bomb the self righteous or moronic for example.

Google Bombing used to be called Search Engine Bombing, the majority seem to be aimed at Google, although there have been a few aimed at MSN and Yahoo over the years.

I think the “French Military Victories” Google number one natural search result (from back in the day) on hitting I’m feeling lucky, still provides a smile on the face for most Englishmen. It used to return a dummy error page when searched on in Google. Basically the page it delivered stated; “Did you mean French Military Defeats?”

In fact, if you perform the search at the moment, you’ll get a tribute page to the people originally responsible. You can then read and giggle away at your heart’s content!

Or an example of the political Google Bomb from the other side of the pond, George W. Bush’s ‘Miserable Failure’ Google bomb of 2004. And our own Tony Blair’s ‘Liar’ of 2005. Both of which started a trend of political and celebrity Google bombing that brought (if sometime’s brief) smiles to people world wide.

All employed (and many many others like it) basic negative online marketing techniques – in the form of mass link building and anchor text spamming.

As a side note, it is good evidence to the continuing power of links – that search engines write, release and hold us waiting with baited breath, waiting to see the effects of algorithms and updates specifically looking for this kind of negative SEO.

The fact that there are now companies offering negative SEO services, just adds further proof to the power that links still have!

In this case it takes the form of keyword anchor text link spamming.

Getting enough sites linking to you using a target keyword in the old, not too competitive days was a sure route to natural SERPs success in pretty competitive niches. It still works today in competitive and non competitive niches. In competitive niches and if your ‘footprint’ is too obvious, you’re likely to have to churn and burn your sites; but in non competitive niches, you might never ever get caught.

But once again, it’s naughty, so don’t do it…

Anyway I digress, back to the negative SEO blueprint discovery.

So I have some good friends who work in online marketing as freelancers in some pretty competitive niches. This includes of course the finance and gambling online niches. The natural SERPs for these niches sometimes resemble (in my mind at least) the online marketing equivalent of a bare knuckle or knife fight.

Heck, some of my friends have got it so bad that Google recently launched and then updated within weeks, a specific algorithm update just for them. I kid you not, you think you’ve got it tough, go work in the finance and pay day loans sectors. Not that I feel sorry for them of course! Lol!

So obviously, keeping tabs on what the chaps are up to in these niches is an education, and so I do this via various online and easily available tools.

It stands to reason, keep your knowledge up to date through the experience of those at the sharp end. If it works for them in the super competitive niches, then a watered down version should do ok in the non competitive more under the radar niches eh?

When I say keeping tabs, I’m not cyber stalking them you understand? I may do this every few months, or have their sites tracked automatically for me using a software program, that I check every now and then when I have ‘free time’.

One of the sites I keep an eye on is City Index. They are a fairly well known in the UK (and World Wide) and operate in the super competitive Spread Betting and CFD Trading niche.

According to their site, City Index offers a platform through which you can trade a range of Options markets including Shares, Indices, Currencies and Commodities, all online or via your mobile device.

City Index Negative SEO Campaign

City Index Negative SEO Campaign


It’s not my bag, but it’s a profitable niche and sites operating in it (as well as affiliates referring to them and selling ebooks and the like.) make an absolute fortune.

It came as a bit of a shock therefore when I checked the other day and saw some strange anchor links being used to link back to City Index. Of course this is an absolutely wicked thing to do, but someone appears to be operating a negative SEO campaign against them.

One only has to perform a search in the free version of this SEO Link Checking Tool to see that a number of undesirable anchor texts for this particular site have been used, and that these links are, errm, not quite <cough-cough> site relevant.

Does Negative SEO Work And Who Would Conduct Such A Campaign?

Well the jury is out on this. Only the other week there was an open laying down of a gauntlet by this very well known online marketing site.

It’s not difficult to see from the link structure that this Negative SEO campaign appears to be of a ‘mischievous’ nature. I will explain further, but it doesn’t take much effort, (and I’m not going to tell you, because if you can’t see it, then you should be doing something else.) to make this a very dangerous and potentially damaging technique.

No amount of assurances given so far have convinced me that it wouldn’t be possible to execute a negative SEO strategy against a competitor, (or foe.) that could be at very least a headache and time consuming to clear up – especially if it was ‘ongoing’.

The reason I think this campaign may ‘mischievous’ in nature is due to two of the less, errm, pornographic anchors used in this negative SEO campaign.

One of them refers to ‘Patrick’, one presumes aimed at Patrick Altoft, who wrote the blog post that partially revealed this attack on City Index back in March 2014. The other is basically a ‘taunt’. What else is ‘lol branded3 lol’ supposed to mean?

Just like the serial killer (who is usually portrayed in all the movies) taunting the beleaguered and over worked Detective, this is a “…look at me, bask in my glory!” taunt!

I’m no Columbo, but it could be potentially a disgruntled former or current employee, or an SEO / online marketing consultant who has been ‘slighted’ at a conference? Some one who’s ‘advances’ have been rejected?

I’m thinking whilst replaying over the imaginary movie ‘big screen’ in my mind;

“You promised me microphone time on stage!” or “I waited for hours outside the exit of the SEO conference hall, just to touch your hand or hem of your wizard cloak and you, you rejected me you heartless beast!”

Either that or it’s a spread betting or CFD competitor, but surely no competitor would stoop so low?

So that finally leaves a naughty black hat who’s testing a theory out on a ‘big’ site to see if it works.

The end result is still the same, that is a total waste of someone’s time. The poor someone who is regularly having to submit ‘disavow’ requests via Google Webmaster tools. This obviously has a cost in labour and I would imagine, if they could ever catch the culprit will result in some kind of legal action.

So it’s now getting late. I promised I’d get this out tonight, so here it is. I’ll tart the negative SEO news article up a bit over the next few days.

For the time being, if you have a comment on negative SEO, feel free to enter into the spirit of things below. Also, please don’t forget to like, re-tweet and share this negative SEO article. I thank you!

More interesting Google Bombs can be found here;


Posted by Tim Love - June 25, 2014 at 9:41 pm

Categories: Backlinking Strategies, DIY SEO, Free SEO Tools   Tags:

Brand Engagement is Drastically Plummeting on Facebook

Brand Engagement is Drastically Plummeting on Facebook

For years professionally and socially I’ve been attempting to ‘work’ Facebook out. What works, what doesn’t. What people read and what they don’t.

Believe me Facebook, from a business advertising sense is a ‘dark art’. Stuff that works online when directly transposed on Facebook (from an advertising and online marketing point of view.) just seems to fall flat on it’s face.

Back in my Uniform Dating days, we spent a fortune on Facebook ads and got virtually nothing in return. We tracked our spend to oblivion, as was quite rightly the obsession of the MD on any kind of advertising spend.

To the extent that we had a bespoke software program written by the in-house (and partner of the company) programmer, which could tell us the true value of a keyword or online sponsored ad to the nth degree, all at the click of a button.

We could work out the true value to us of an advert, listing, keyword or whatever and know how much to pay, and how much it would generate in revenue. How many free members joined up, how many converted to paid members and the average profit over whatever time period we wanted to know.

It made our life easy and annoyed the hell out of the friendly Google adword account manager – who’s sole purpose is to get you to spend money, in the nicest possible way, send you stuff and if you’re lucky invite you over for a visit and glad handing exercise.

As a side note, leave the Google adword account manager’s presents on show at your peril, or fail to open your mail in time and they’ll got pilfered by some one… I’m still aching over certain gadgets that got ‘stolen’ before my very eyes!

To be perfectly honest, Facebook advertising made PPC and sponsored ad listings on any other sites feel like a cake walk.

The answer of course was to hire a couple of nice looking girls to ‘engage’ our audience, write rubbish and let the fellas dream a little.

That and stop paying for the bloody ads on Facebook, which frankly gobbled cash like I eat Haribo Gold Bears! Believe me when I tell you that when it comes to Haribo Gold Bears I am a hungry greedy beast!

Then this week I read this report.

Don’t get me wrong, from a social sense I love Facebook, in fact I’ve been called by a few people a ‘Faceslut’.

We’re lucky to have Facebook, my parent’s generation if they moved, very often lost contact with their ‘friends’. Facebook allows me, as someone who’s moved quite a bit over the last few years to stay connected.

Often I hook up on Facebook with to watch a game with my mates who’re now spread far and wide, open a tinny and still feel somewhat like I’m down the rugby club or watching a football match in the pub – please don’t mention Football or the World Cup, the wounds are still fresh and I have no idea how ‘Wroy’ is going to sort them out…

As another side note, for information on being a Faceslut, or Faceslutting, please see the Urban Dictionary entry. Please though, if you are easily offended, it’s probably best just to use your imagination!

But this report titled; ‘New Report Reveals Just How Drastically Brand Engagement is Plummeting on Facebook’, is an interesting read for those with all their ‘online marketing eggs in Facebook’s basket’, so to speak.

Funny and informative, it likens Facebook to a ‘Goodfellas’ mafia type boss!

The final gem being;

“The bottom line? Build an audience that secretly belongs to a social media mob at your own peril, and don’t be surprised when the brands and publishers that own their audiences are the only ones that survive.”

To read more click;http://contently.com/strategist/2014/06/12/new-report-reveals-just-how-drastically-brand-engagement-is-plummeting-on-facebook/

So how do you ‘own’ your audience?

Pretty simple really. You use Facebook and any other social media / web 2.0 platform to compliment your own site’s newsletter capture system.

Get them over to your site and get them to sign up directly to your newsletter, or whatever other means you use on your site to connect with your audience.

This way, if the worse comes to the worse and Facebook wants to start charging, or restricts generally hold you to ransom in order to ‘connect’ with your followers, you won’t have to look for a sympathetic shoulder to cry on, or pay me a kings’ ransom in Haribo Bears to sort it out for you.

Brand Engagement is Drastically Plummeting on Facebook

Posted by Tim Love - June 24, 2014 at 10:47 pm

Categories: DIY SEO, Humour, Working From Home   Tags:

Endless Supply Of Quality On Topic Links

Endless Supply Of Quality On Topic Links

So today I made a post on my Tim Love Facebook Page.

“If you have a website, I have discovered a good resource today that I am happy to share. It will give you endless current on topic link building opportunities on sites such as blogs, forums, etc, but you need to ensure the comments you add are on topic and constructive for a good success rate uptake. Send me a private message on here, as I’d need to show you in a short message how to use. It is free though, so don’t worry! Lol Have a great day!”

Basically what I was offering are the details of a source of an endless supply of quality on topic backlinks. You can use this resource again and again, to build fresh, decent, quality, on topic backlinks to your site.

These backlinks will have longevity, as the sites they are gained from are deemed ‘authority sites’.

You can Build Backlinks Free!

Many of the sites have high page rank, (not that this is publicly given any more.) the sites all have high page authority, citation and trust flow; which in turn will benefit your site.

Quality link building does take time, but it is in my opinion very worthwhile. Spend some time doing this daily, or when you’ve got some free time to spend on your site and it will become second nature.

So how do you get an endless supply of quality on topic backlinks? 

The first reply was from a friend of mine Graham.

Graham has a Christian Ministry website and is a talented musician. His website can be found here;


This is the message I sent to Graham in reply, showing him how to get an endless supply of quality on topic links pointing at his site. This is just one of many similar resources that I use.

Of course you could use an automated program to build backlinks to your site, but the method I am going to explain is manual, it’s manual because it’s worth taking a little time to build quality links to your site.

Read the message, the pages mentioned will open in new windows for illustration purposes when you click on them. Adapt this method to your site – it’s easy to do, as you’ll find out! Of course search on and choose a niche suitable to your site’s topic niche.


Hello Graham, as the first person to respond I am going to use your site as an example on my blog and facebook page!

This is long, like instructions on how to change a light bulb. It’s easy though, so stick with it! If I lose you at any point give me a shout!

Ok mate there’s several places like this online, they have their own algorithms what they do is track blogs and forums and the like and then rank them. They also rank newly published articles and threads on these sites.

So you can go to this site http://alltop.com/ and you’ll see a search box.

You can be specific in the search box, but for the purposes of this we’ll be a bit generic.

Type Christianity in the search box. You’ll see that an orange box unfolds and it says ‘found these topics’. You then choose the topic you want, so there’s a few that are suitable, but just pick Christianity again.

Still with me?

Click Christianity and a page will open up with top blogs and posts and stuff related to Christianity. So with a topic like this, it’s huge, so at first just scan the titles that interest you.

So pick one, I’m gonna pick for this example; “are you following Jesus this close bumper sticker response” which for me appears near the top left – it might have moved by the time you check, but you’ll get the general gist of the idea with this example hopefully!

Now, I have a few online marketing programs that run behind my browser, (so you’ll just have to believe me if you don’t have these installed.) I open the page that’s been linked by right clicking and choosing new tab, new window, or whatever your browser does for the equivalent, then I scroll up and right, click once again for a new window on the site’s home page.

I now have AllTop site open, a tab with the page that’s listed on AllTop open and a tab with the home page for the page that’s listed on AllTop open. I can flit between the three easily. When I finish with the current site, I close the two tabs relating to the site and go back to the original AllTop site; so I’m not wasting time reloading pages etc.

The online marketing programs I have running on my computer will tell me the home page’s rank, and assumed authority, trust, citation and a load of other things.

This site (and all others I’ve tried using this method of link building have high authority and trust pages) the particular home page of the page linked from AllTop is pretty good. It would have scored a PR4 had Google still been keeping page rank scores public.

I then find and check the archive of a few posts from a few weeks or months ago. I want to see if the individual post pages have their own authority and trust etc. This one does, it passes on and individual pages are well indexed. So this site is a good one.

I then in this example go to the the post, read it, and see if it’s something on topic to my site, or if it’s of interest to me etc.

So with regards to this example… It is! In your site example, of course it is, I’m sure you can think of something to comment immediately!

So I (being you in this example) go to the bottom of the page and look at the comments.

How are the comment author names listed? In this case I scroll and see it’s mostly first names and first and second names, but there are a few site names and obvious keywords being used by sites as well when making comments.

So at this point I scroll to the comments box and have a decision to make.

Should I just use my name, can I use my site name and lastly could I use site name plus keyword?

This now is your choice, it’s up to you. If you site is on topic, then I suggest you can and should use site name and if relevant keyword if others have done so.

So in the name box do this. Name, or first name, or site name, or site name and keyword.

In the website box, you can put main site URL, or page URL if you have one on topic, or even your twitter, facebook, youtube page URLs.

When you submit, that’s it. You can forget about the site… or as I like to do, if it’s on topic to mine, add it to your bookmarks!

You can then revisit on regular basis and comment and become active on that blog.

The site owners love it. They want comments, it gives them content. You add on topic stuff, so don’t get slammed by the site owner as a spammer, ultimately you could ask to do a guest post on the blog, that kind of thing.

Go back to alltop.com and rinse repeat.

You will find as you do this that some sites allow comments in different ways. Some will connect to facebook, some will connect to twitter accounts.

Just set your account profiles to include your site URL. Comment on these blogs as normal.

Your web 2.0’s will develop ‘authority and trust’ independently of your main site. When you post stuff on your twitter, youtube or facebook for example back to your site, you will then bleed authority back to the main site URL by using a web 2.0 that you ‘own’ to link to your main site.

Do this for 30 minutes a day and you will add loads of on topic links back to your site. These can be measured in Google Webmaster Tools or various browser bars.

Rotate your URLs, take them in turn, so do main site, then facebook, then twitter, then youtube etc.

Don’t concentrate on any one main keyword. Use variations of it, use your site name, use your real name, use the straight URL, use the relevant page URL to the blog post (if you have) and keep doing it.

It will increase site referral numbers, not by much individually, but cumulatively it will be nice. But more importantly it will increase your site’s page rank (not that we get to see this anymore) authority, citation and trust flow.


Anything else to add about this method of building quality back links?

In the body of the text of your comment sometimes you can also on some add site links, or relevant page links to the article in question.

I would take the lead from others who have posted comments in the past on the article you are looking at as to what format you take with it. The comment box itself sometimes will tell you the code you need to use and what is and isn’t acceptable.

Last but not least, I don’t worry whether the comments are follow or no follow. In my opinion if you have a website in a specific niche, it is natural for you to interact with others in the niche. Commenting on blogs, forums, articles etc in your niche is what you should be doing. Targeting just sites that use the follow tag is unnatural. You do not want your link building to appear unnatural in the search engine’s eyes, so don’t worry about it – with this method at least…

The above example was an example of how to get an endless supply of quality backlinks using blog commenting.

Posted by Tim Love - June 19, 2014 at 2:04 pm

Categories: Backlinking Strategies, DIY SEO, Free SEO Tools   Tags:

Squirrel Proof Bird Feeder Discovery! “Eureka!” Tim Love Cries In Celebration!

“It’s not every day one can unveil a magnificent invention to the World, but I’m sure my soon to be patented Acme Swiss Robinson produced (cheers guys for all your help with the twine!) Squirrel Proof Bird Feeder, is going to revolutionise the lives of twitchers and house hold ornithologists every where!” said me, (aged 42 and 1 month) to anyone who’d listen.

It was whilst observing a squirrel feasting on my nuts, that I came up with a cunning idea. An idea that led me to the discovery of what I believe will be a Squirrel Proof Bird Feeder. Wild bird feeders that truly will be a ‘game changer’, in that age old contest of man versus squirrel.

“Nuts!” I would often cry, as I observed from the vantage point of my home office, (the cabin, also known as the ‘Naughty Shed’.) or the dining room of the house, (often scaring the children, dogs and neighbours!) as the pesky squirrels got on with polishing off yet another freshly filled bird seed container.

With deft like ease, craftiness and Houdini like expertise, the squirrels would outsmart whatever contraption the bird food was left in. Certain areas of the garden declared ‘no go’ areas with regards to the hanging of bird feeders.

Left in these areas, bird seed to squirrels was the Hollywood equivalent of jumping in a river full of hungry piranhas. In no time at all, the bird feeder would be emptied of it’s contents by ravenous squirrels, leaving just the bare bones (of the supposedly squirrel proof bird feeder) hanging in shame.

My bird feeders, actually should have been described as squirrel feeders. No matter the location or make or style of bird feeder, it didn’t seem to matter. None of them truly being ‘squirrel proof bird feeders’.

When you’re buying bulk bird seed, it’s kind of an indication that you need a squirrel proof bird feeder that actually works.

Squirrel Proof Bird Seed Feeder Idea Happened Whilst Realising I Cannot Think Like A Squirrel.

Squirrels are evil intelligent, they learn by experience and pass on that experience to the younger generations – by some unknown means, but one imagines it as the squirrelly equivalent of humans sitting round the camp fire passing on life instruction and folk lore.

So to successive squirrel generations, knowledge and experience has been passed on by squirrel forbears about how to outsmart human inventions. Knowledge, telepathy and some kind of geographic homing capabilities are revealed to initiate squirrels, that inform them when new bird seed is available and the location of freshly hanging bird feeders.

No bird feeder is truly safe from the squirrel. Bird feeders are invented by humans, humans can’t think squirrel, (it’s hard enough to think woman.) let alone be able to learn devilish tongues such as Squirrelese. Or in fact, to even begin to understand the thought process that goes on inside a squirrel’s mind.

I’ve heard that Tolken tried and failed, some believe that it’s the basis of Elvish, but on this I can offer neither concrete evidence, or someone willing to go public and either back me up, or correct me.

Anyway, the squirrel was winning, it was evident to all who cared to observe that the squirrel was the victor – this was no school sports day, everyone’s a winner, liberal, coming first doesn’t matter kind of victory.

Like in real life, to the victor go the spoils of victory. In this case the jewels in the crown being ‘regular all varieties’ garden bird seed, as well as a few of those ‘high fat bird food energy ball’ things, that the tits seem to love.

It was the accepted norm. The squirrels ate first. All others waiting their turn, as the natural order of nature favoured the boldest, fiercest and in this case, fattest.

The birds had to wait their turn to feed, they ate after the squirrels had had their fill and managed to waddle off far enough to find a safe vantage point.

Squirrels are always slow after bird seed feasts, but quick enough to annoy Fizz and Pip. Not quite slow enough to be caught, but fast enough to keep their canine interest level up.

Yes these squirrels although fat still knew how to enjoy their existence. Hi energy food, in bird seed form and a little sport after, (with the dogs.) to work it off. Work off the calories, but not likely the guilt and shame of their illegal gluttony. Squirrels have no conscience, to them we’re just providing them with a meal, perhaps with a challenge (if your squirrel proof bird feeder is a new one on the market) and some entertainment! Bird feeders are just the squirrel equivalent of a tv dinner.

Although chances are that one day Fizz might catch a squirrel. I don’t think Pip has a chance as at 17 and a half, he’s just going through the motions! Squirrel and then somewhere in his tiny mind and electron fires and compute, his off as fast as his arthritic limbs can carry him.

A squirrel or the Ginger Tom from a couple of doors down, who has that certain feline nonchalance about him that drives Fizz potty.

The squirrel in the below video has indigestion, undoubtedly caused by over indulgence on someone’s bird feeder. They should have employed my Squirrel Proof Bird Feeder technique to prevent this kind of gluttony.

So how to save on bird seed? Back to the story of the Squirrel Proof Bird Feeder Discovery! “Eureka!” I Cried In Celebration – And I Really Did!

So I’m sitting in the cabin looking down the garden and watching the birds on the bird feeder, when as usual the squirrels arrive and push to the front, scaring the birds away, leaving just the boldest sparrow, robin or blue tit hanging by the side lines, swooping down to pick up cast off’s from the squirrel’s latest raid on the bird feeder and table.

I tried hanging bird feeders all over the garden. Under the apple tree was the best. It was far enough away from the end of the garden, which is Squirrel HQ, close enough to the house and surrounded by enough ‘killing ground’ to make the squirrels cautious enough to really take their time in planning and executing bird feeder raids.

Squirrel bird feeder raiding party operations could be red flagged and abandoned or put on standby for hours, just by the slightest hint of activity from the naughty shed, or house.

In fact the preferred encroachment route being over the roof of the cabin, thus their scratching and bumping acting as an early warning alarm, for either Fizz, Pip or myself – if the bird feeder raid’s timing was during daylight hours.

Fizz really hates squirrels. Their bare faced theft and taunting rubs her the wrong way. Plus in her eyes they are vermin. Anything small and furry is vermin in the eyes of Fizz. Squirrels are described as tree rats, rats are top of the list for Fizz, tree rats run a close second.

Anyway, looking at this bird feeder I suddenly had a thought.

What if you could locate the feeder far enough away from a tree? Thus denying a sideways leap manoeuvre by the squirrel on to the bird feeder.

What if you could also dangle the bird feeder on or from something that’s long, tricky, slippery and thin enough to make it a treacherous thing to climb down?

It would have to be high enough to prevent jumps from the ground – hanging stuff close to the ground is a school boy error.

You pay the price for these early mistakes in real money spent on bird seed. Believe me when I tell you, do not hang bird seed feeders low to the ground. School boy error, learnt at the school of hard knocks during this long and epic man versus squirrel battle.

SO it leaves the squirrel with only one option;

Jumping down from a height, whilst praying to squirrel God that they can execute a grab on the bird feeder, whilst they are technically in free fall.

That or hope that they entrap themselves with their claws and entangle themselves around the fiendishly clever and tricky and slippery and long and thin fishing wire, that the bird feeders are now hanging from.

So on Saturday I put my plan in to action. I now have two bird feeders hanging from the eaves of the cabin porch roof.

At the moment, I am pretty darn sure that I can claim a small victory for mankind. The bird feeders are now actually squirrel proof bird feeders, courtesy of a short length of fishing line.

You want to know how it’s done?

I suppose it could be described as an adaptation of a hanging squirrel proof bird feeder idea.

The fishing line is tied to hooks that I have screwed in inside the under hang of the cabin porch roof. This means (and it has been tried and failed a few times daily since installation.) that the squirrel must perform a heroic act of spider-squirrel skill and cling upside down whilst attempting to gain a grip of thin, slippery fishing line.

Squirrel attempt two involved almost acts of magical squirrelly, (I’m sure that it will be passed down and around the squirrel camp fires for generations to come) bold, but ultimately doomed to failure;

an attempt to climb glass.

The sound of squirrel claw on glass is not one I was ever expecting to hear in my lifetime. It’s a little like nails on the chalkboard. It makes you wince.

Then you look up and see for a short brief period, something which I think is best portrayed in Ice Age – a swiss army knife of a film for those trying to understand the inner workings of ‘squirrel’. Yes nothing quite catches the look of squirrel anguish as when

Then there’s the look of horror, as squirrel realises it is once again doomed to failure, as squirrel slides down the glass. Scrambling, clawing to get a hold on the grip as it prepares to meet the woodpile stacked a few feet below.

From a personal level there is something of a connection. Respect, adversary to adversary, a brief moment as our eyes meet. I swear I see a look of acceptance of defeat.

A grating acknowledgement that this time man has conquered squirrel.

So there you are, if you want to have fun whilst feeding the birds and begrudgingly giving an adversary a little, but not too much – bird seed is for birds after all. Hang your bird feeder with fishing line.

If nothing at all, it will add a little comedy to your garden, as you watch the squirrels attempt to crack the latest squirrel proof bird feeder invention!

The Squirrel Proof Bird Feeder is my gift to the World – just like the man who invented text, I give it to you all. May all who use this squirrel proof bird feeder technique using fishing line find peace!

Here’s some video of people writing in to Bill Oddie, they obviously need my Squirrel Proof Bird Feeder. Their adversary is also the grey squirrel. The question asked is the usual one when dealing with squirrels and their fondness for bird seed.

That’s about it for this squirrel proof bird feeder discovery post.

Posted by Tim Love - June 6, 2014 at 3:53 pm

Categories: Humour, Random Stuff   Tags:

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